Feeling really angry and a bit self-destructive. Not in a self-harm kind of way, but in a doing-something-stupid-that-I’ll-later-regret kind of way. Like deleting lots of accounts that give me social support, or sending an email I shouldn’t, or saying things I shouldn’t, or throwing things around until something smashes.
I just… I just can’t understand life. Why is it so crap?
I feel like I have no control.
My house doesn’t feel like my home; it belongs to someone else, it’s set up for someone else, the furniture and the layout and the organisation and the choices are all for someone else. The landlord, previous tenants, my boyfriend. Not me. My boyfriend tries to get me involved by making me choose things, like plants to go on the balcony, but I didn’t really care. I would just choose something I think he would like anyway. It’s all for him to enjoy. Not me.
My evening and weekend plans are mostly dictated by things that my boyfriend is doing, or his friends are doing. I get the dregs in between. But for those dregs there’s pressure to make the evenings good, make the weekends fun. I don’t even know what that means. I can’t think of a single thing that I would find fun right now. Nothing seems enjoyable. There’s nothing I want to do. I have no money anyway, and the house is always messy so I should be tidying that, or there’s bills that need sorting or some other boring shit that I need to do but never have the energy for. What is fun?
Nothing motivates me. My boyfriend keeps asking me ‘What do you want to do? What do you want to watch on TV? What do you want to eat for dinner?’. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
Food is one of my biggest stressors at the moment, which in itself pisses me off. I don’t want to think about food. I don’t know what to have for dinner. I don’t want anything. I don’t want to think about cooking. I don’t know what to buy and to make and to eat that is cheap and healthy. I can’t cook anyway. I don’t want to cook for my boyfriend who is blunt in his feedback. I don’t want to go to the supermarket. There is too much choice, too many options, and I don’t care enough to choose anything. I’m too tired to make dinner, I’m too tired to prep lunch. I’m sure I’ve said it before, but I wish there was a pellet that just gave me all the nutrition I need so I would never have to think about it.
And the same for drinking. I hate having to get up to fill my cup or glass. I hate having to drink water regularly and think about my hydration and look after myself. Give me a pellet. Or just hook me up on an IV. I don’t care. Make it easier than it is.
I know this sounds pathetic and lazy. Maybe this is just extreme laziness. I just can’t think of anything in life that makes it worthwhile. Why am I here? Why did I move here? Why do I do anything in life? Why do I get out of bed?
Fuck knows. I feel so done.
My Honest Recovery 