Me, Mental health

21st Jan 2019

I’m trapped in a loveless relationship. Financially trapped, because I owe money and can’t afford my own place. And emotionally trapped, because I’ve moved somewhere new and the only person I know is him.

I know I need to make new friends and new connections, but social anxiety is holding me back. I’ve tried to do things but given up because it’s caused me so much stress. I haven’t even spoken to my existing friends in weeks. I’ve left it too long and now I don’t know how to get back in touch. They haven’t got in touch with me either. I’ve let it all die.

I have a job that I can’t deal with. Some days are ok, but most days are hard. I struggle. I don’t see a way out. I need this job, because I need the money. I need this job to fix the gaps in my CV from the last few years. I need this job as a step forward in my ‘career’. And I would feel guilty bailing on my colleagues half way through a contract. They hired me because they trusted me because they already knew me. I can’t turn my back on that. This opportunity won’t come up again. I have already burned through a lot of opportunities.

I know all of this is my own doing. I’ve not had anything bad happen to me. My sadness and desperation and loneliness is a direct result of all my poor choices.

I just don’t know how to get out of this.

 

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Mental health

30th December 2018

Can’t believe this year is nearly up. It’s been such a waste. The first few months, I made some real progress into ‘recovering’ from mental illness. The rest of the year I’ve spent regressing, withdrawing and being in denial.

I have withdrawn from society and from life. I have no friends, I’m in a relationship that makes no sense to me, but I can’t get out of it. I’m trapped in a life I struggle with and I don’t have the means to get out of it. I can’t handle my job but I can’t leave it (until I’m sacked). My mental health is having significant impact on my physical health. I’m totally alone. I don’t know how to get past this.

Me, Mental health

17th December 2018

Feeling a little lost.

This time last year, I was unemployed, living in my parents house, lonely and sad.

Now, one year on, I am employed, living in a rented flat, lonely and sad.

On paper I look like I’ve achieved a lot this year, but in reality, I feel exactly the same. I could easily lose my job and my house again. I am not stable or secure or happy. I’m on the brink of crashing. I’m pretending I’m fine. I’m not being honest about how I feel.

At work, I’m simultaneously bored and overwhelmed, I feel clueless and stressed, I feel like I’m not good enough and that I will fail everyone.

I feel ugly and disgusting. My life is empty, meaningless. I don’t know how to feel like it’s worth something, how I am worth something. I just… don’t know.

Uncategorized

14th Dec 2018

I know I shouldn’t write about this here, but I’ve got no one else to talk about it with, no where else to share. My life is so lonely.

So the other day, as we were going to sleep, I said to my bf: “I think we might be drifting into the friend zone. I don’t know if we ‘work’ as a couple any more.”

We talked about it very briefly but then he said: “It’s really late, let’s just go to sleep.”

So I replied “OK… but please think about this. Think about what you want. There’s no point continuing if we’re not both feeling this.”

Next day, I ask: “So, did you think about it?”

Him: “What?”

(Already I’m like wtf. Surely this is quite a big thing, he shouldn’t just forget about it?)

Me: “The thing we talked about yesterday”

Him: “What about it?”

 

I mean…. seriously???

Am I overreacting?

I dunno what to do. I think it’s over.

Me, Mental health

28th Nov 2018

Can’t believe it’s nearly December. This year has, in some senses, flown by. This time last year I was unemployed and lonely, doing nothing, staying in bed all the time. Since then I’ve joined a Recovery College, started voluntary work, started a part-time job, moved house, moved in with my partner, started a temp job, sort-of joined a choir and started a contract job.

Recently I’ve struggled a lot with financial pressures and job stuff. I’ve started my latest job but, tbh, it’s a bit of a headfuck. I’m not sure I have the capability to do well.

I’ve been so stressed that my eczema has got out of control; I can’t sleep, I can’t go out. If I’m at work, I have to go to the toilets to scratch my itchy skin to shreds every time I get anxious. I went to the doctors (finally) and burst into tears immediately. I didn’t talk about my mental-ness though; I just finally admitted that my skin is too bad for me to deal with alone. I felt, and feel, ashamed that I can’t control my long term conditions. I should be able to by now. I’ve got about a billion skin-related prescriptions, but avoided all mental health ones. I don’t know why. I’m embarrassed to need antidepressants again. Maybe next time I’ll admit I need it.

I’m feeling exhausted all the time atm. Looking forward to the weekend. Hopefully I can just have a quiet one.

Boring ramble today. I feel like I have loads in my brain but I can’t get it out. I’m all clogged up. My brain feels like a blocked up sink and nothing can get through.

Me, Mental health

16th October 18

I am very, very cold. My fingernails are blue. I’m wearing my scarf and dressing gown and blanket. I guess the reason I’m cold is that I’ve barely done anything in the last week or so. I’ve hardly moved from the sofa.

I had a temp job a couple of weeks ago. It was awful. I had to manage the diary of someone very senior. On one hand, I am ‘over qualified’ for this job. But on the other hand, this is the sort of job that I really, really, really can’t handle and feel like I am not good enough for. If I make a mistake, it is obvious for everyone to see. If I put in a meeting on the wrong day, everyone invited (loads of senior people with important things to do) will know and get annoyed. If I mess up on timings, it would ruin someone else’s day. I could make this person get up at 6am and work all day until 7pm; that’d be within my control. I know it sounds ludicrous, but I can’t handle this role at all. I felt my anxiety spiralling.

I was only there a week but I struggled with one of my colleagues, too. She would send me loads and loads and loads to do, and give me no time to do it. And when I said there wouldn’t be time to complete all the work in a particular time frame, she made me feel really small and useless. Other times, I would have nothing to do and there were lots of big empty stretches of time when I was really bored. She was also really patronising. On my last day, she intercepted lots of emails to me, looked over my shoulder constantly and basically chucked me out the door. I appreciate I’m just a temp that she doesn’t know, but her attitude was really – for want of a better word – shitty. In fact, several people at that place seemed a bit self-important, in my opinion. But maybe that’s just my anxiety trying to make excuses for what I am lacking.

Anyway. I quit that job. The following week, I didn’t have any temp work lined up, but I did have some interviews so I thought I’d give myself some time off for my anxiety to return to normal levels and to prepare for my interviews. I also did some stuff like signed up to the doctor and other little chores I hadn’t been able to do before. Tuesday, I had the interview. I have this problem where my brain and my mouth don’t seem to connect. I used to really want to say stuff and have it all planned out in my brain, but physically not be able to say it. Now, I find myself babbling away without any thought process from my brain at all. I find myself listening to my words and going ‘what the FUCK am I talking about?’. But anyway, despite this, I somehow got offered the job. I accepted, of course, and was told that I can start just as soon as the admin stuff is sorted. So I waited the rest of Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. No paperwork came through. I had had another interview lined up, but cancelled it because I’d accepted this job.

My anxiety about the PA role had started to fade, but the empty days started filling with other worries and thoughts:

  • Can I do this new role, will I do it well?
  • Will my new colleagues like me, will I fit in?
  • How will I manage driving through rush hour (very stressful)?
  • What will I do if I start getting anxious or depressed?
  • What if I can’t do this job, I’ll have to do more temp work and I’ve fucked things up with the agency now?
  • What if there is an issue with this job, which is why it’s taking so long to get the paperwork?
  • What if I should have gone to the interview I turned down?
  • What if I can never work again?

And then this progressed to non-work stuff like:

  • Are things with my boyfriend ok, does he even like me?
  • Do my boyfriend and I work? I don’t think we do. Why are we together?
  • My friends are meeting next weekend but I am too anxious, do I have to go? What lie can I tell to avoid it?
  • My boyfriend’s friends are visiting, where shall I go to avoid them?
  • I went out last weekend and got drunk, what did I do? Does everyone hate me for being stupid and idiotic and horrible?

Etc etc.

I should be being productive, while I’m off – I should go to the dentist and get my hair cut – but I feel too low to leave the house. I spend all day thinking and thinking about the things I need to do, and never doing them. Lots of people on Twitter are giving me really useful advice but I still can’t do it. When my boyfriend comes home from work, he’s like ‘oh, another lazy day?’ because he sees the washing up not done, the house a mess, and me sitting on the sofa in the exact same place as when he left. He doesn’t understand that I have no energy to do anything. I feel like a car that looks ok but doesn’t start.

I’ve started sleeping in the spare bedroom. I don’t know why. I just feel like less of a burden. My skin gets bad when I’m stressed, so I’m scratching non-stop, and I feel guilty for disturbing his sleep at night. He hasn’t asked me why I’m sleeping in another room. The other day, I read that this person, who has contamination OCD, hates seeing people with rashes and bad skin because s/he fears getting contaminated by it. So another reason for me to never go out. I think I should become a recluse. I’d never have to inflict my presence or my disgustingness or my mentalness on anyone else.

I could go on for hours and hours about how miserable I am and how shit things are for me etc. But I know that things aren’t *really* shit for me. I know that things are actually ok, but I just don’t feel it. I feel like I want to die.

So.

Yeah.

 

Me, Mental health

6th October

Life. It’s pretty shit, isn’t it? This isn’t what I want.

My boyfriend is in the other room playing FIFA. I don’t even remember when we last spent any nice time together, other than when we’re just watching TV at home after work, too tired to do anything else. I try to suggest stuff but he doesn’t get enthused. Then his friend will suggest a night out in a craft beer place and he’s super excited. I get that romance etc doesn’t last forever but… we’re only young. It should be better than this… surely?

I’m unemployed again. I started a new contract last week but… it was horrible. It was like an allergic reaction, as soon as I started it I got tense, angry, stressed, anxious, itchy, afraid. I had nightmares. I gave in my notice asap but had to work the rest of the week. It was my last day today, which was weird. I worked really hard, despite hating it, but I felt patronised and belittled. Hard to tell what comes from my own thoughts and what comes from them, though. I felt awkward during the interview, but maybe that was actually just my gut reaction to the sound of the job, rather than how they felt about me (since they chose me).

Anyway. Over that now. Got some interviews lined up but, tbh, they are all too much for me. I need a nice, quiet job doing some filing or photocopying or laminating. And a rich husband. I want to cancel the interviews but got nothing else to do so might as well go, I guess.

I just want to feel better. Have fun. Enjoy life. Is it possible? Or is it all such a slog? I just don’t know. What’s the point?