I have been an idiot. Like, ridiculously, stupidly, expensively idiotic.
Basically what happened is this: I am mostly house-bound because of anxiety and depression, but also because of location. I live on a housing estate that has one bus an hour that goes nowhere useful. I can walk to town and back but it’s about 45 mins each way – fine in daylight, but not safe at night. If there is any hope of me getting a job I need a car to get there. Also it’s helpful to have a car to drive me to places like the supermarket (to practice interactions with humans) and to see family etc. Anyway, for a variety of reasons, I decided that I needed a car.
The thing is, the thought of buying a car filled me with the absolute worst anxiety. I have to speak to strangers, I have to impart a large sum of money, I don’t know enough about cars to know what I’m talking about, am I a terrible driver? All the physical symptoms too: feeling sick, shaky, flushed, needing the toilet, heart racing etc. But I also felt a kind of numbness like there’s a glass wall separating me from the Big Decision. I thought – let me just find one that is a good deal, cheap to run, looks ok. That’s it. I’ll just see it, buy it, done. Sorted. I won’t have to be anxious any more.
I found one on Autotrader that fit the bill, but it wasn’t close to my house. I.e. I needed a car to go see it. I hate relying on other people. Other people seeing me make decisions. Other people listening to me speak. Other people watching how I interact with others. So I really, REALLY didn’t want to get anyone involved. But I had to. So I asked my friend to give me a lift to this garage to see the car (side note: this friend rang up to enquire about the car and told the guy that I was his girlfriend…? So we had to maintain this weird charade I didn’t understand. But anyway). On the drive over, I suddenly started panicking about having to drive in front of my friend. I had actually driven recently but not owned a car for years. I didn’t want him to judge my driving. I was worried I might stall the car, or scratch it, or crash it. I asked my friend to ask all the questions I wanted to ask and generally be the spokesperson for me.
We got to the garage and it was ok. My friend took the lead, asked the questions. I couldn’t face test-driving the car so he did it. The car was quite loud and throaty but I figured that was his driving…. In general, the car seemed fine. It was quite tidy, seemed clean, not many scratches, good value etc etc. Anyway, we went to a nearby pub to think it over. I was panicking and numb all at the same time. My heart was racing but I was disengaging with the decision ownership. I didn’t feel any interest in the car but also knew that I needed a car. I couldn’t bear the thought of feeling this stress and panic again. I couldn’t bear my friend driving me around, doing the talking, doing the test-driving while I nod along silently.
So I… agreed to buy it. That’ll do. Then I won’t need to think about it any more, I thought.
Well. It took a couple of days for the car to be valeted and sorted out. I got the money sorted really quickly (I just want this over with) and I cried myself to sleep (I’m pretty sure this was the wrong decision). And then I had to go pick it up. Again, I had to find a way to get there. I didn’t want to rely on my friend again, because I hate relying on him, so I was panicking about how to get there – should I get a cab? Ring someone else to help? Walk there? It’s about 7 miles away from my house but I worked out I could walk then get a bus then walk then get another bus. I called my boyfriend (who doesn’t live near me) in tears, panicking about what to do, and he suggested getting a cab. But I would have to call the cab company to book it! My boyfriend told me I could do that, I was literally on the phone right now, it was fine. But he doesn’t understand the anxiety of phone calls. He doesn’t know what it’s like. Anyway, I caved and asked my friend to drive me over again. I had all the signs of panic again. I didn’t want to even talk about the car we were going to collect. I hadn’t told my friends or family I was buying it, because I just felt so panicky about it. I thought the anxiety would improve once I had it. We went over to the garage, I signed the final forms and that was it. The car was mine.
I got in the car, still feeling not particularly positive. I put it into reverse to leave the car park and – I couldn’t find the bite point. It was really high up. Higher than I’m used to. I panicked – have I forgotten to drive? What do I do? I pulled out the car park and drove about a mile. The engine was really loud, I kept over revving, I didn’t understand the clutch, my leg was uncomfortable. This was a mistake, a big mistake, a terrible mistake. I pulled over into a lay-by and called my boyfriend. I wanted to talk to him but I just started sobbing. And sobbing and sobbing. After about 45 minutes crying he persuaded me to drive the rest of the way home. There was no one around who could help me. I drove home but it was awful. So awful. I parked the car, ran into my house, climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep.
And that is the end of Part 1.
General learnings from this:
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If you’re not feeling the car, don’t buy it.
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Always test drive it.
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Don’t feel under pressure to buy a car – there’s literally hundreds, thousands, millions of cars for sale. There’ll be another one.
Mental health learnings from this:
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Don’t agree to things just because you think it’ll make the anxiety go away. It won’t go away.
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Panic makes you think things that aren’t true, for example, that you can’t drive when you can. Er… Tbh I haven’t found a way to get around this yet. If you’ve got any tips let me know…
Read part 2 of this sorry tale >>
My Honest Recovery 