Time is going so quickly. I’ve been in my job for 3 weeks already. It’s somehow nearly mid-July?!
I’ve been doing ok. Up and down. I’ve faced a few anxiety-inducing things recently; going out for a walk by myself, going to the hairdressers. Both were ok. I managed them. I’ve been making phone calls at work, going out to the pub to meet people, leaving the house by myself etc. My social anxiety seems to be getting a bit better.
I’m still in my temp job. It’s fine, but I have been by myself a lot, which I know isn’t very good for my mental health. Sometimes I’ll go the whole morning or afternoon without speaking to anyone. And some of the things I’ve been reading or overhearing in the office (I sit near the social work team) are quite harrowing and upsetting. I worry that it skews my perception of ‘real life’ by hearing it so much. All sorts of horrific things are talked about in a matter-of-fact, ordinary way.
I had an interview last week for a more permanent job (still not actually permanent, but a bit better). It’s an admin thing. I did the interview and was offered the job (yay), but then things got complicated and it’s all a bit up-in-the-air. I think it’s this new job thing that’s caused me to feel a bit down over the weekend and today.
I have lots of experience for this role, years and years. I’m essentially going back to doing a role I did about 6 or 7 years ago. I applied for it because I know that I can do it. But I feel like I’m regressing. They are going to pay me an entry-level rate, even though I have years of experience. I am too anxious to try to convince them to pay me a little bit more. So things are going to be tight for a while.
My boyfriend and my current manager have both told me I should be going for things a bit higher-up – but I am worried that I can’t do anything more than this. And I am also worried that, by taking this, I am committing to at least another year of an entry-level, going-nowhere job. I’m worried that I might be holding myself back. But I don’t know what I’m capable of doing.
I’m feeling low and spent lots of Sunday in bed. I’m starting to think I can’t keep going to work, I just want to stay in bed.
On a completely different note, I also realised that I haven’t really had many photos of me in the last 4 or 5 years, because I hate how I look. My smile is ugly, my teeth are too big and uneven, and stained from tea. And my skin is blotchy and dry. I’m not exactly an oil painting! I don’t know how to look better, without spending loads of money.
So yeah. That’s me right now.
I wish I could talk about it with my boyfriend but I’ve been seeming ‘better’ for a while so I think he’s forgotten that I’m still mental.
Please update me on yourselves!
My Honest Recovery 
I totally understand the job stuff. I’m not sure if ending up in lower rate roles actually contributed to my shit mental health because I was bored and unfulfilled, but again I was way too anxious and convinced I couldn’t do anything else, or that it would be too much. I’m sure you’re amazingly capable, but maybe focus on what would make you feel happy and stable to start with 💖
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Yeah I just need to remember to think like this. You’re right, happy and stable = my focus. I don’t need to think of ‘the big career’ right now. I’ll try to remember this!!
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Totally agree with seedsinthewasteland. Sometimes I feel with anxiety I set my goals or what I can achieve a little lower cause I would be afraid if I set my targets as what I am capable of or bit higher my Anxiety will be to much and I will fail so setting it lower is more manageable. There is no harm in starting off lower building your confidence up holding down the job for x amount of time and if somewhere down the line your not happy not finding the job fulfilling you could look for something more demanding so to speak. Being happy and content is more important than anything else in my opinion.
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I guess I worry that if I set my goals a little lower, I’ll get stuck because I’ll never believe I can achieve anything more. I think this is all I can do, this is all I’ll ever be able to do.. :S I’ll try to be more positive and make as much of this new role as I can though (if things sort themselves out and I actually get it)
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Nice to hear about what you’ve been up to lately. I have experienced going through almost an entire day without talking to anyone too or barely saying anything to anyone… Sometimes it really is my mood is terrible and I want to be left alone. Other times it’s just I don’t have much to say, or I happen to be out on my own and I have no one to talk to. As for the entry-level job thing, I can see why others think you should be aiming for a job with a higher salary but this goes back to the argument of what others believe you “should” be doing and what you feel most comfortable doing at this moment. So it’s not like settling for less, though it is about starting out somewhere with stuff you feel you can handle for now until you gradually gain more confidence and explore more options.
I don’t know if I have much to share. Two of my friends visited NYC recently. I’ve been online friends with them for years and this month was my first time meeting either of them in-person. I strongly believe if this was the me of at least 3 years ago, I wouldn’t have had the courage to even consider setting up a date and time to see them. I hung out with one of them first since she arrived to NYC earlier by a week. Then all three of us got together. On July 4th, we had plans but they both couldn’t make it due to being sick with colds. 😦 Then I had trouble finding them during the evening fireworks show because of the crowds splitting. It was also pretty late by the time the show finished so I had to hustle to make the train ride home.
I went on the interview for the urban gardening volunteer program and didn’t get chosen. I did feel sort of down about it, but I also found out they had to narrow down a pool of 60 applicants to only 15 into the program, so odds are even if I did well, the interviewers still had to choose only the best. As for the farming apprenticeship, I regret to say I also turned that down because I cannot say for sure I can commit to their Friday and Saturday mandatory schedule from July till October for every week. I still intend to apply to the farming school. Their open house dates were finally announced, but the earliest one is at the end of July! Other than that… in my neighborhood I saw a hiring site at a small supermarket. I feel anxious thinking about going in and asking for an application, even though the sign literally says that people can get one by the cashiers. I really am overthinking this!
I’m still gardening once a week but last week I felt like cr*p. I perceive I’m just too quiet. My supervisor lets me work alone most of the time and very seldom have I had interaction with other volunteers who may be working around the same area but they’re not in the same vicinity as my work area.
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Omg this is loads to share! You’ve done loads! Well done on meeting your friends, that’s fab! Did you have a good time, despite missing the July 4th plans? Were the fireworks good?
Yeah 15 out of 60 is crazy odds. I’m sure you did great anyway. Still lots of exciting opportunities for you, even if the apprenticeship wasn’t right for you at this moment in time. July is going really quick, it’ll be the farming school open house before you know it. Do you have to book on? Have you done that yet?
Oh fingers crossed if you do decide to go for the supermarket job.
Sorry you felt like crap last week. Really hope this week goes better for you 🙂
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I did have a good time even though my friends couldn’t meet up with me earlier on that day. The fireworks were beautiful to see in-person but I did not enjoy what I had to go through leading up to it. Being packed in and literally surrounded neck-to-neck with hundreds of other people, it was awfully hot and sweaty and uncomfortable.
I still feel sorta bad about turning down the farming apprenticeship but I didn’t want to jump into it knowing I probably could not adhere to their strict schedule. They also are big on people not being late, especially since to get to the farm, I would have to had been on time to hop on the ferry or risk missing it. I don’t think I need to book the open house sesson and I could probably just show up.
The supermarket job… I can’t believe how little confidence I have in myself for even that kind of job when it is simply scanning items and counting money. What’s holding me back from walking in there and getting an application is I’m scared of the possibility but also of the potential responsibility that comes with it. I can’t avoid it forever though. I’ll never know unless I try.
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