(I’m so pleased with myself for that title. It rhymes.)
It was my birthday last week, and my boyfriend whisked me away to the Lake District for the weekend! I’d never been before (or at least, not since I’ve been old enough to appreciate it).
It was a surprise trip, so I didn’t have much time to worry about it or over think things. It took me a while to pack, and I kept asking him what I needed and if what I had was going to be ok etc. (He laughed a little bit about this, but I had the last laugh because he forgot to take any jumpers. June in the Lake District is COLD!). But other than that, nerves were kept to a minimum.
I was in charge of driving, since I’m the only one who can drive, so that kept me busy too, navigating the motorways and trying not to crash into anyone.
As soon as we got to the B&B, we dropped our stuff off and headed off to climb a mountain. I would like to say I was energetic and enthusiastic and bounded along merrily, but sadly that was not the case. I don’t know why, but I felt exhausted – physically and mentally. I had to drag myself along and take many, many rest stops. It doesn’t help that I’m ridiculously unfit.
My boyfriend kept me motivated (although I will never again believe him that we are ‘over half way’ or that the peak is ‘just at the top of this path’. LIES! TOTAL LIES!). He supplied me with sandwiches, snacks, drinks and sweets. I still wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the top, but somehow I did. The views were stunning! My legs were jelly. We came back down, miraculously in time to watch the evening World Cup match.
The next day, it pissed it down solidly for the entire morning. The mountain we’d climbed was hidden behind a huge, grey, unforgiving cloud. We explored some of the nearby towns, ducking into shops and cafes to keep out of the rain. In the afternoon, the rain cleared and the sun came out, so we walked down to the lake and wandered along the empty beaches. It was absolutely beautiful. I find water so calming and peaceful, but I always forget about it! I need to find a lake nearby and make it part of my week to walk around it.
We made it back to the B&B before the weather turned again. Again, we somehow managed to catch all four World Cup matches that were on that day…
By Sunday we were both feeling the effects of eating out for every single meal. Does anyone else get like that? So much rich, butter/sugar/salt-heavy foods, for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We were feeling stuffed and sensitive. I’ve never been on an all-inclusive holiday, but surely everyone must feel bloated and over-full after about day 3?!
Anyway, we checked out of the B&B and drove back along the winding roads, stopping for a quick break by one of the lakes. What I love about the Lake District in the off-season is how quiet the beaches are. We felt like we had the place to ourselves. The whole trip was beautiful. I felt so relaxed and calm.
Throughout this time, I had barely any signal and the wifi in the hotel didn’t work. So all I had to do was enjoy the beauty of the lakes and hills and ’embrace nature’.
And it made me realise something.
At home, I spend nearly all day, every day, thinking how ill and incompetent I am. I compound this on Twitter, where I talk about how shit I am at everything, and I read other people’s posts about how shit they are at everything, and I feel, overall, that everything is shit.
On holiday, I was still ill. Obviously. Anxiety and depression didn’t go away. But they weren’t my focus. I was busy with other things; walking, enjoying the beauty of everything around me, spending time with my boyfriend, eating too much delicious food. My illnesses were still there, but they felt less sharp. They felt bearable. It felt so good to be thinking about something else, doing something else.
Like when you have toothache. You have pain because it’s telling you something, it’s making you aware that there’s a problem. But sometimes, the more you think about the pain, the more painful it becomes, until it is unbearable. But if you can distract yourself, keep busy with something else, the pain becomes more tolerable and you can focus on getting the problem fixed.
Not sure if that makes sense. Hopefully you know what I mean…
The trouble with mental illness is that it makes you isolate yourself and withdraw, so that you have a lot of time on your hands in which to focus on how shit everything is. I’m still trying to understand how to not do this. But I think social media is an interesting place to start.
I owe a lot to social media – I have learnt a lot, opened up, shared a lot and made amazing friends. It has been an important part of my life and has been there for me when I felt that I had absolutely nothing else. I sometimes don’t know how I’d have survived without it.
But often, I am very negative, and I read a lot of things on there that are negative, and gradually it skews my perception of reality. I think it might be helpful for me to take regular social media breaks and talk to people outside social media, so I can get a more balanced view of myself and my life.
Has anyone else had a similar experience? What do you do to keep a balanced view of things? What do you think about the effects of social media? And do you think nature – going for walks through the trees, wandering around lakes, climbing mountains – helps? If so, why/how does it help?
Would love to hear from you! x
My Honest Recovery 