14th June

Starting to lose the will to live.

Someone asked me to write about my year so far, so I started like this:

At the beginning of 2018, I was unemployed, mentally unwell and feeling very lost. I spent every day browsing social media and watching TV.

And then I realised I’m in exactly the same position right now. 6 months later. Actually, if I’m honest, I was in this exact same position a year ago.

I’ve tried so hard this year. I have attended lots of courses to learn how to look after my wellbeing, I’ve done several OU courses to keep learning, I’ve volunteered at two places, I started a short-term job (it didn’t go very well, and has finished now), I’ve made effort to meet people and try things, but I am stuck stuck stuck.

I am applying for lots of jobs but not hearing back from any of them. I’m either ‘too good’ for the entry-level job or not experienced enough for the other jobs. I really wanted to work in a role that helped people, but I don’t think I am capable of helping anyone. I kind of give up on that dream.

I’ve signed up to volunteer at a few places, but I haven’t heard back from them either.

There are a few places nearby that offer wellbeing courses or other workshops, but I have run out of steam to try those now. I’m struggling to leave the house. I’m trapped at home and in my head.

I feel I don’t have any value or purpose. I’ve tried, but I’m not good enough.