3rd June

This week has been a bit strange (I think I probably say that a lot?)!

On Wednesday, the last time I wrote, I was a bit… mental. Well, I always am mental, obviously. But this time I was feeling suicidal, thinking about self-harm (which is not something I’ve ever really done, just a few times when I was about 15), wanting out of my life. I was supposed to go into town but I haven’t been by myself before and I talked myself out of going because I thought I couldn’t do it. I also needed to clean the house and sort out my stuff (still in boxes) and make dinner, but I couldn’t do any of it. I just went to bed and cried. I felt like a failure.

Thursday, I got up and went into town by myself. No drama. I had a meeting with a temp agency. While I was signing the bazillion forms you have to sign, I realised that the pen they gave me leaked everywhere; it was all over my hands, the papers, the table. I found a bathroom and washed my hands (and discovered ink had got on my face too!). Previously, this would have massively distressed me – I’d have felt embarrassed and stupid and like it was my own fault. I’d have tried to pretend it didn’t happen.

This time, as soon as the recruitment consultant came in to speak to me, I told her about the pen and I asked her to tell me if I’d got any on my face and we laughed about the situation. It was really nothing to get worried about! Anyway, forms all signed – and they’d set me up for an interview already, the next day! I wandered around town for a bit, then went home and relaxed.

Friday, I went into town by myself again. I had the interview. I was a bit nervous, but not too much. It went ok, but the manager inferred that I was a bit over-qualified for the role. To be fair, it did sound a bit dull. But it’s only temp, so that’s fine. Anyway, interview over, I went home. I was feeling a bit motivated by the interview to find something better, so I spent the rest of the day looking for interesting jobs and emailing people. I also signed up to volunteer for Parkrun (a 5km run around a park on a Saturday at 9am)! I’ve been wanting to do it for ages but I’m so unfit… so I signed up as the walker at the back (the rounder-upper of other people at the back of the run, making sure they don’t get lost etc).

Later in the day, I went back into town AGAIN! So Wednesday = 0 times into town, Thursday = 1, Friday = 2 times! I can’t keep continuing this pattern, it’s too silly lol.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I know someone who used to live in London and moved to Manchester, so we went for a catch-up. The classy bird I am, I suggested a ‘Spoons. Catching up was great. We had quite a few drinks… as someone who rarely drinks, this took its toll. Whhhhhhhhy did I agree to Parkrun.

Saturday. 7.30am alarm. Urgh. But I’d agreed to go to this bloody Parkrun thing, so I set off at 8, feeling a bit worse for wear. The walk to the park is further than I thought. But it was nice there, I got a high-vis and was introduced to other volunteers. There were loads of runners, all look bright-eyed and enthusiastic. Who are these people? And why do they get up to run around a park so early on a Saturday? And will I ever be like them?

I did the 5km, walking slowly at the back and trying to be helpful, chatting with another lady and clearing my hangover with good old-fashioned fresh air and exercise. Got a sweet at the end, and a run time of… an hour. Lol. So anything will be an improvement, right!

Next thing on the agenda, meeting Ross (@rossclark2017) – a person I know through Twitter. He organises lunches and this one was nearby my house so I thought, why not! My boyfriend was a bit like: You’re meeting a stranger? From Twitter? A man? That you don’t know? But I knew it’d be fine… and it was! Ross is lovely and we had a walk around the park, saw some animals (donkeys, a grumpy llama and an amazing peacock with its feathers all fanned out on display!) and had a picnic. Ross’s picnic game is on point. No one, literally no one, can be better at picnicking than Ross. It is enviable and I was embarrassed by the Belvita and bottle of squash that I had with me.

After this, I was absolutely shattered. I went home and slept on the sofa for about 2 hours. I do love a nap, but it is getting a bit ridiculous. I can’t do anything without feeling exhausted.

So yeah, a bit of a weird week. From completely unable to do a single thing, to interviewing for a job, meeting a friend in a busy pub, doing Parkrun and meeting new friends from the internet, all within a couple of days… I don’t really understand how I wasn’t completely anxious about all the new things, but I just wasn’t. I was fine. Only exhausted afterwards.

Hope you all had lovely, drama-free weeks!!